HW 21B

For Kevin,

I really liked the first two topic sentence of your first paragraph: " There is a time where you have to let go. I totally agree with this idea. Nothing lasts forever. Yes, cliché, but also true." This went well in bringing the readers attention to Beth's story. Your post is very straightforward and, I applaud you because death is a difficult topic to write about because ultimately, death is vague as living humans have never experienced it. I'd like it if you had introduced your body paragraphs the same way you did for your introduction. Your transition from paragraph to paragraph is somewhat in a logical order but, try to structure your paragraphs so every topic sentence correlates to the main point you are trying to convey. There are some grammatical errors here and there. One thing to keep in mind is to remember this is a somewhat formal post; the use of the word "So" might not always be sufficient in starting out sentences.

For Amber,

Modality: (Depth and Insight)

Amber,

Your post most definitely demonstrates your eye for key points. The most beautiful and insightful part about your writing would have to be one of your concluding questions: "When we die it is usually said that we go to a better place, so why aren’t we excited about dying and escaping from this obstacle course called life?" Such a thought-provoking question surely deserve recognition. I agree that it's strange how we complain about the hardships of life but, are defensive and ambivalent when it comes our time to part from life itself. The last sentence of your post was admittedly cliche and it would only benefit your writing if you were to have offered an alternative perspective, essentially a cliff hanger for a reader to trigger their interest in exploring the realms of death.

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From Spencer (Younger Person),

I really like what you said about death, "Death is considerably taboo, as it is sacred and words about the deceased are almost, in a way, forbidden." I feel that death is a taboo topic not only because people want to be conscious of others' emotions, but because people are afraid of dying themselves.

From Kevin (T/W team, person from class), 

First of all, good blog post. I enjoyed reading about your interpretations of Beth's insights, and some of your own. I think that there were a lot of parts of your post where you showed good perspective and insight,such as these lines "When the death of someone we care about occurs, we subconsciously think about how this death with affect our own stability without their presence. We push their once potential-filled life into the gutter only to seek the optimum way to buffet with our mourning and sorrow." That is really deep and original, and really shows your perspective and what you are about. I would love to see more of this throughout your posts. While there was a lot of good perspective, There were times where you started to talk about an experience that you have had, and just kind of ended your idea. "Having been in the hospital a few months ago to visit an ill family member, I feel that the presence of beauty and pain had never revealed it self, however, it was there nonetheless." I feel as if you could have elaborated more there. I like the line, I just think it could have been followed up better. Overall, good post, keep up the good work.

From Amber (T/W team, person from class),

It was nice to read your blog post; you have many insightful things to say. You asked me to give you feedback by reading your blog post through the modality of proofreading. Overall your blog post was interesting to read, but I felt like you had many long sentences. Maybe if you can cut some sentences shorter, or just keep everything short and concise. You were using a lot of commas throughout your sentences which to me signals that your sentences are getting too long. There were times where I felt the need to catch my breath. Next time I would advise you to use semi colons, in place of some of the commas. Try to let the reader know everything you are trying to say but in a shorter form. Other than that I felt like you did a good job. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, which is good. It was interesting to hear your thoughts about Beth's presentation. 

From Pam (Mentor) ,

This part is beautifully written: "In explaining the event in which she had seen her father die, Beth, with a slight quiver in her voice, had mentioned that even when the time to set our worries and tears free from our conscience, hospitals place white curtains over our eyes, shielding what we should be able to face." You do an amazing job of making me question my previously-held notion that people who want to die at home are truly selfish. When my grandmother was near death in the hospital, she expressed a wish to die at home and all I could see was how much more difficult that would be for my dad. Your blog makes me question that, and look back on that situation wondering if anything would have change if it was handled differently.