HW 28 - Comments 2

For Amber (T/W Team),

Amber, Your post is truly beautiful. The details you used posed as a perfect way to introduce this situation. The best part of your blog post was, " I watch as his chest repeats a countless cycle of slowly rising and falling." It really created a picture in my mind, an incredible visual aid. On this blog post, I am going to focus on the modality, Proofreading. Your punctuation is almost perfect, some flaws here and there. You should think about making your main points more concise, though I think your attention to detail compensates for that. Bianca

For Kevin (T/W Team),

Kevin, I am also commenting on your response based on perspective. Your story was very powerful. One thing that I would recommend for you to do next time is to write looking through your grandmother's perspective. I believe that this would further not only your understanding of your reactions but, your understanding of how your grandmother deals with illness. Another thing that I would suggest is to maybe elaborate on the setting of where your grandmother and provide details that would create a picture in my mind or something that I would not expect to read. I really loved the last two sentences of your last paragraph. "She's a fighter. She always said all she wanted was ten more years. And that was eleven years ago. " Although our culture presents death as inevitable and sometimes makes the idea of evading death ludicrous, these two sentences definitely induced some hope in me.
Bianca
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Comment from Mentor (Pam Smith/Casey's Mom)

Bianca, I appreciate the honesty of your blog. This true-to-life admittance of your shortcomings is refreshing. For example, admitting your feeling of discomfort with illness, with the elderly, with hospitals. I think the section of your post that is best written is the part where you wonder about Bernice's personal life. "I wondered what she spent her day thinking about; was it her grandchildren? Does she have grandchildren?"
I also feel uncomfortable around the elderly. They make me feel awkward and pitying and superior - and even frightened sometimes.
And yet in spite of all that, I wish you had really spoken to Bernice. I wonder what a few questions from you would have meant to her, and when was the last time she had a real conversation with someone who didn't have to visit her.

Comment from Younger Person (Spencer)

Bianca, I really like your descriptiveness and depth in your writing. You made me feel like I was right there in the hospital hallway. I too wish that you had talked to Bernice, too find out who she was and who she had been. I liked your connection to the bigger picture: Does a person's sickness make it more difficult to have an interest in his or her life? I would have liked if you expanded on that idea more.

Comment from Kevin (T/W Team)

Bianca, I read your post looking for perspective. I figured this being a personal account that i would find this whole piece to be written from your perspective with your thoughts. But it wasn't. You questioned what Bernice was thinking. You tried to figure out what she was thinking looking up at you.
While reading this piece you feel like you are almost inside your head. You displayed your thoughts, what was going on, and the affects it had on you both in an interesting matter, and appropriately.
This post had a very strong readers voice, and simultaneously provided great insights and descriptions. This honestly one of the best posts I've read so far.
-Kevin

Comment from Amber (T/W Team)

Bianca, I am providing you feedback based on the depth and insight you provided in this assignment. Reading your response made me feel as if I was there with you while you were visiting Bernice. I can picture her frail body laying in bed, with nothing much left to do in this world. I enjoyed the descriptive details you used, while learning about your internship at Mount Sinai hospital. You gave some nice insights to the reader when you were connecting your experience of visiting Bernice to the presentation Beth gave us about her husband's death. Although, I would have liked it better if you had went a bit more further with these insights. I felt like your description overpowered your insights. For next time I would advise you to keep your insights proportional to your details. You left me with an urge to read more of how this can connect to other sources we referred to in this unit. Overall you did a nice job.
Amber